i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
