I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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