I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
