Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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