Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
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We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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