Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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