hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
