I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
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