Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
