Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
