Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
