My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
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He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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