I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
is it fun? or sober?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
