life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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