How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
