just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
