im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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