I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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