Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
