he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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