It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
