i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
