I think I am morally bankrupt
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
