Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Randomize
