I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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