My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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