Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
