the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
