it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
