We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
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She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
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Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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