I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
