it's too hot outside to masturbate.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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