a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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