grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
