Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
