Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My ass is underappreciated
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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