The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
