There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian