Pappa wants mamma naked
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?