peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
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I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
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Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!