I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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