So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
