he thought i was a dude.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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