fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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