im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
