I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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