Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm drive I can fine osifer
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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