I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
