I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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