He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
