If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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