I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
