I could have mohawked her pubes.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We had sex on a dog bed..
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
