Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
