fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
