i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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