yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"