Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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