Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
