I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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